Episode 86: Q&A: How to Respect My Partner Once It’s Been Lost

Welcome to the Loving Truth podcast, where it's all about finding clarity, confidence, and peace in the face of marriage challenges. And now, your host, relationship expert and certified master life coach, Sharon Pope. Hello loves. This is Sharon Pope and this is the loving truth. Today we're going to be taking a call from one of our members who has a question about how to begin to respect her partner again once that respect has been lost.

Let's take a listen. Hi, my name is Carly. I've been struggling with my husband for a couple years now because even though he's kind, supportive, understanding, and affectionate toward me, he continues to be cold, irritated, controlling, rude, and uninvolved with our four children. He approaches everything from a mindset of fear, anxiety, and self doubt. I decided last year, with the help of your book and podcast, to stay in my lane and just take responsibility for the things that needed to happen with our kids and in our business.

Namely, I quit trying to stay on the same page as him. I found myself easily overachieving in our relationship and felt more alive than ever. I let go of all the frustration I used to feel holding myself back and waiting for him to be more. But now, along with being on completely different pages, I find his constant complaints about work and children make him so small in my eyes.

I've lost respect and admiration for him while simultaneously gaining more respect and admiration for myself. I'm finding it hard to get my head around continuing a marriage like this, but I cringe at the thought of pulling back so that we can be on the same page. When I bring this up to him, he just falls into more self defeat and tries even less. We are in the process of buying an investment property which I told him would be a perfect place for me to live while we try to figure out how to move forward.

Now that he sees my clear plan to move out, I can see he's trying harder at work and trying to be good to our kids. Although it's usually a half assed attempt that's so frustrating to me. It messes with my head, since depending on him only leads to the old frustration I felt. Because he's not actually dependable, I don't think he's capable of that kind of change and I don't know how to accept his small efforts.

How can I rebuild my respect for him without lowering the standard to a disappointing level or moving backwards? How does compromise work in this kind of situation? Thank you. So thanks for your question. Carly, I know that you are not alone in this. You know, respect is one of those things that once it's lost, it's difficult to get back. So we're going to talk about that. But first, let's recap where you're at and some of the other elements of what's happening inside the relationship.

So it sounds like that Carly has lost the respect and admiration for her husband, mostly because of his complaining, complaining about work and complaining about the kids. And when she brings it up, it seems like he sort of falls apart and gives what she would refer to as probably, like, this half assed effort. And that makes her lose respect for him. She thinks he's not capable of change.

And her two primary questions are, how can I increase my respect for him without lowering my standards to a disappointing level? And then her second question is, what does compromise look like in this situation? So let's just address a couple of the elements here that I just don't want to breeze. Bye. The first is where you try to talk to him about this, and he gives you a half ass effort, which only makes you lose more respect for him.

So here's what's happening when you go to him and you try to talk to him. I don't know exactly how these conversations go, but I have an idea. And my hunch is that he feels criticized and he feels like he can't win and that nothing he ever does is good enough. So why bother trying? That's his conclusion. And this is very common for men. They don't play a game that they know they can't win.

Right? They only will engage and push themselves if they think it's possible to win whatever winning looks like. And in this scenario, it might just be pleasing you. And so that's probably why he's sort of giving up in that regard, because he doesn't feel like he can win, and maybe he can't win with you. But it's an important question to ask of what would it look like for him to win with me?

And does he want to rise to that occasion? Does he want to do what you want him to do? Because, by the way, no one's here to do what Carly wants them to do and live their life the way Carly wants them to live their life. So we need to have shared goals and commitments. Now, in regards to him complaining all the time about the kids, I'm not sure exactly what that's about.

Like, maybe he didn't really want to have kids and he wasn't honest with himself and you about his desire or lack of desire to have kids. Or maybe the kids came along, and they're just so much harder than he thought it would ever be. And probably every parent would say that. But I also think that if you were dating someone who was kind and loving to you, but not kind and loving towards your kids, what would you do?

You probably wouldn't be with that person, not unless you had some really deep insecurities that no one would ever love you or something like that. Like, if you can't love these little humans that I love more than life itself, it's hard for me to love you. That's how most women would feel about, you know, someone loving their kids or being loving towards their kids or not being loving towards their kids.

So I am thrilled that you are feeling better and stronger, and it sounds like you're more clear today than maybe you were a few months ago after you said you were listening to my work and you just wanted to stay in your lane more. And I'm thrilled that you have more respect and admiration for yourself. But I also want to point out a small little tweak to the process, because what you did when you went over here and you stayed in your lane, which I tell people to do all the time, but you have to be inclusive of your partner in the context of that.

And I think what you did is you sort of turned completely away from him. You started running circles around him, and you proved to yourself that you could do it all without him, and therefore, you lost respect for him. So you never turned towards him. You only turned away from him, which only created more resentment and more reasons to disrespect your partner. So that's one little modification or tweak.

But here we are. Like, you've done it this way, and here's how you feel today. So, okay, here's where you are, and you're trying to say, how do I respect this person without lowering my standards beyond what is acceptable to me? And I think what's acceptable to you, and this is the part that I want you to get really clear about, because if acceptable to you is being loving and being kind inside of our family and being loving towards the kids and no longer using them as your excuse to feel like crap in your life, that is a standard that you should keep.

I don't think you should lower that a bit. Okay. And I'm not actually a fan of compromise. I'm a fan of. I don't know, I guess you. Let's call it like this. There's some compromise. Like, let's say you really want to live in California, and your partner wants to live in New York City. And your compromise is we're going to live in Iowa. Well, now neither of you are getting your needs met.

So I'm not a fan of that kind of like, strict compromise, because then no one's getting their needs met. But if you said we're going to live six months out of the year in California and six months out of the year in New York City, then that would be a compromise that I could get behind. But it would have to be something that you two would agree to.

Right? So I don't think compromise is really the thing to focus on here as much as. Because this is about you and your feelings, and nobody can make you feel anything that you don't want to feel. Okay, that's important to note, but you're asking the question. So I know that there's at least a little part of you that wants to see if it's possible for you to get the respect back for your spouse.

So I just want to talk about respect. Love is durable. Like, love can go through the wringer. It can go through affairs and betrayals and hurts and upsets, and it can come out the other side. Sometimes it can even come out the other side of those challenges even stronger than it was before. Love is super durable. Trust, that's a little bit more fragile. When trust is broken and there's been betrayals, well, now we've got to build it back up.

We've got to create something new because it's been lost. So we've got to find it again. So it's not as durable as love. Respect, that's a whole nother deal. I feel like when respect has been lost, it's really hard to get back. It's not impossible, but it's really hard. So let's talk about what would be required if you were going to get back that respect that you really want to have for your partner.

First of all, it has to be a possibility for you. Like I said, no one can make you feel anything that you don't want to feel. So if you are shut down to the idea that he is never going to earn my respect, or I don't respect him until he's able to exist how I exist in this world and do what I do and see the world as I see it and operate and function the way I think he should, then you're not open to it.

And we can stop right there. So the first thing is, this has to be a possibility. You have to be open to the idea that respect could come back around, that I could respect this person again, it has to be a possibility. In your mind. Even if you're not hopeful, even if you don't think it's possible, it at least has to be a possibility, because if you're closed down to it, then we just have nowhere to go.

So that's the first thing. The second thing I would say in order to get that respect back. Respect back is you have to be able to see his humanness. What I mean by that is when you can see him just as another flawed human being on this planet, you know, and he's doing the best he can, even when it doesn't live up to your standards, he's doing his best.

But when you can see someone's humanness, you can see how everyone deserves to be treated with respect. Everyone deserves kindness and compassion. Like, we probably show more kindness, compassion, and respect to people that we don't even know, people that we bump into in the grocery store than we do to our spouses sometimes. So if you can see his humanness and how he's doing the best he can, but he screws it up just like we all do, then that's going to be helpful to the process of you gaining respect back for him.

The third thing is you're going to have to very intentionally, instead of focusing on all that he's not doing that you think he should be doing. That's where all of your attention has been placed. It's been focused in the lack, the lack of what you think should be present. This is going to require you to focus on what is good, what is respectable, what you admire or appreciate about your partner.

You're going to have to really focus there. And I know you don't want to because you're like, yeah, but Sharon, the problem is over here in all the ways he's not doing the things, okay? But anything, wherever you place your focus, it's going to become bigger in your experience. And so this lack of respect, if you keep focusing there, it's only going to get bigger. It's only going to get worse.

And we know how the story ends. Okay? Or we can focus over here on, I bet there are some qualities in him that you do respect and that you do admire. You're going to have to focus there for a little while so that that can become a bigger part of your experience. It doesn't mean that these other pieces, like him complaining about the kids or not being loving towards the kids, I'm not suggesting we ignore that.

But I'm saying, can't two things both be true? Can't I love and respect and admire him for these qualities and these traits? And can't I hope that at some point he's able to not use the kids or his work as his excuse for not feeling good in his life and take more accountability for his life? And then the last piece that I would say that you would need, and this is an important one, and it's one that you probably haven't thought of.

I can tell from the nature of your question that there's an element of a hierarchy now in your mind. So you're going to have to equalize that. You cannot respect someone that you think is beneath you. So there's an element of you thinking you're above him now, you thinking you're better than him in some way. And I say that with love and with gentleness, but I know that that probably stings a little bit.

But whenever we are judging someone else or we're saying, I want, you have to do these things so that I'll respect you, there's an element of arrogance there or an element of superiority there that is not going to be helpful to your relationship, your partner. You have to be able to see them as an equal to you. And right now, it sounds to me like you very much feel like you're superior to him in some way, or in many ways, maybe.

And so if you want to get respect back, those are the four things you're going to have to do. You're going to have to be open to the possibility that it's. That it's possible and not shut down to the idea that you can respect him. You're going to have to see his humanness and realize that everyone on the planet deserves to be treated with respect. You're going to have to focus on what you love and appreciate about him way more than all the things that drive you crazy about him and all the things that you think he should change so that you'll respect him.

And you're going to have to see both of you as equals and not you superior or better than him in some way. So there's a tool or process that I talk about inside my programs with my clients, and I call it. I refer to it as calling him higher. And sometimes, at first glance, what people think they hear or what they think that means is demand more of him.

Right? Tell him all the things that he needs to do so that you'll feel better and then you'll respect him. He'll live up to all of your standards and all of your expectations. That is not what I mean, because I don't think anybody is here to live the life that Carly thinks they should live. So she gets to feel the way she wants to feel. And I know that that, too, is a bitter pill, because we really think that our partners should do all the things so that we get to feel the way that we want to feel, but it's just never true.

I joke. Where are all the people that are on this planet in their lives at this time? Making sure that Sharon Pope feels the way she wants to feel. And all of her dreams and desires are pursued, right? Like, no one is here for that. Everyone's here for themselves. You're here for yourself. He's here for himself. Your kids are there for themselves. They're not here for you, either.

I know. Such a hard, such a hard truth to swallow. But what I mean by calling him higher is, first you've got to grow. Is you've got to grow so that you're showing up inside that relationship the way that you want to. I wonder, I'm curious if you stepped out of that marriage for a second, almost like if you could elevate yourself and fly above it and become an observer of what's happening, the dynamics of how you're showing up, how you speak to him, how you look at him, how you treat him, how you think about him.

I wonder if you were just a bystander, an observer to it, if you would say, that's exactly how I want to be. I think that's completely justified. And that's exactly how I want to show up. And if it is, then you do know your answer. But if it's not how you want to show up, then it's time to take a look at that, and that's your opportunity. Forget about all the things that you think he needs to be doing.

What's your opportunity here? And if you're not showing up, you're not speaking to him and treating him and being loving and gentle and kind and respectful towards him the way that you want to be treated in return, then now is the time for you to show up for that. So you grow first. And in doing so, you are automatically calling him higher. So calling him higher is not about pointing your finger and telling him what he needs to do.

It's about you going there first and seeing if he'll meet you there. Okay. I hope that that is helpful for you, Carly. I know. I appreciate you asking the question, because I know that you're feeling like there is no other way to feel about this man or this marriage than a lack of respect and admiration. I know that you're thinking there's no other way to see this, and that may be true because you may be too far gone.

I just ask the questions to see if there's a sliver of hope. If you really want to respect him again, that is absolutely possible. But you're going to have to shift your approach and your mindset about it. And I don't think you should lower your standards, particularly when it comes to, yeah, a father should be loving towards his kids. I don't think that's too much to ask either.

All right. I hope that that is helpful for you and anyone who finds themselves having these expectations. This is what you've got to think about when it comes to our partners. And if you find that you're losing respect and admiration for your spouse, these are the things that you're going to have to shift if you want to respect your spouse. The question, the big question for each of us then, is, am I open to being respectful to my spouse?

Am I open to respecting them because they're my partner, because they're another human being on this planet, because they deserve that? Am I open to shifting things within myself so that I can feel that respect and admiration instead of getting him to change and do all the things instead? Can't I just shift some things within myself so that I can feel the respect and admiration that I want to feel in my marriage and that, my friends, is absolutely possible?

All right. I hope that is helpful for everybody because I know we all carry expectations, and it's always hard when the answer is, how can I shift? How can I change? It's so much easier to point the finger and blame somebody else, right? But it's not productive. I promise you, if it worked, I just have a whole podcast on how to change your husband. But that's not what this is, is it?

All right, until next time, take really good care. If you're listening to this podcast, because you're struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you're serious about finding that answer, it's time to book a truth and clarity session with a member of my team. On the call, we'll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there's a fit for you and I to work together so you can make and execute the right decision for you and your marriage.

Go to clarityformymarriage.com to fill out an application. Now that's clarityformymarriage.com.