Episode 105: Q&A: My Husband Cheated & He Brought Her to Our Home

Welcome to the Loving Truth podcast where it's all about finding clarity, confidence and peace in the face of marriage challenges. And now your host, relationship expert and certified master life coach, Sharon Pope. Hello, loves. This is Sharon Pope and this is the Loving Truth. Today we're going to hear from one of our listeners and then I'm going to answer her question. So let's take a listen to Jennifer's challenge right now.

Hi, my name is Jennifer. I just found out three weeks ago that my husband has been cheating on me for almost two years. If that wasn't devastating enough, I also found out that he brought the woman that he was cheating with onto our property and in our barn and our vehicles, actually his trucks. He had sex with her. And I am devastated. Every time I walk into this barn, that is all that I picture.

We are trying to work it out and be honest and transparent, but how do I get past this? Bringing this woman on my property and having sex with her in my barn and in our vehicles that we share together. I would appreciate any insight that you have. Thank you very much. So first of all, Jennifer, I just want to say I am genuinely sorry. I'm so sorry that you have to experience this and I bet your heart is breaking.

Now, my goal is to be as helpful to you as I can possibly be. So let's begin here. I want to give you permission that if you need to sell your house because you don't want to be faced with the recurring trauma of your husband's betrayal every single day, you don't have to be. I've had clients where their spouse has cheated. You've driven around in their car, even they brought them into their home, even into their bedroom.

They work with this person. And so what that creates is sort of a re traumatization over and over and over, right? Every time you're in that car, every time you're in that barn, every time your spouse is going to work and you know that he's going to see his ex affair partner. Look, I know there is no logical person that would tell you this because it's not practical and it's not financially responsible.

But my friend, your emotional well being and your mental well being is important. And if you don't want to re traumatize yourself every time you walk into your barn, you don't have to. If you need to sell your house, sell your house. If you need to tear down that barn and rebuild it, do it. If you need to sell the car and get a new car, do it.

If your spouse needs to get a new job because this person was someone that they worked with. So be it. Is it practical? Probably not. Is it comfortable? Nope. Those are things that your partner should have thought about beforehand. You want to know what else isn't comfortable or convenient or practical? Divorce. Right. So I just don't want to take this off the table. Like so many times women will come to me where they find out that their partner has cheated.

Let's say it's with someone from work and it's almost like it's off the table that he should go find another job or she should go find another job. That in my mind is not off the table. Why? Because it's so hard to find another job. Well, I won't find one that I'm making as much money. Right. I won't find one that will give me as much benefits or I won't find one as close to home, or this is my dream.

Whatever. Whatever. That is a minor inconvenience to what will really matter in your life that will create a downstream impact in your family for generations. So if you're really trying to come through this, I don't take anything off the table. If you're trying to find your way back to one another, you don't have to take anything off the table. If every time you're riding in a car or every time your spouse goes off to work, or every time you walk into your barn or your home that it re traumatizes you because of the memory of the betrayal, then so be it.

Who cares if it's inconvenient? Who cares? Like it's really important. Your emotional well being is important. Your mental well being is important. And when you're re traumatizing yourself over and over again, you never heal right. Think about it like this. If you had a wound, let's say you, you cut your arm and it healed, and then you cut it again and then it healed, and then you cut it again and then it healed.

Well, it's not going to keep healing in the same way. Like at some point we have to stop the bleeding. And so in your own home, where you're supposed to be safe, he's the one that made that not a safe space for you. So do I give a crap that you might have to move? That you might have to create a new dream home together? That you might have to find land and build a new house or buy a new house, whatever.

Like no, I don't care. Because what I care about is your wellbeing and what I Care about genuinely. If you want to make your marriage work, then I care about making your marriage work. If you want to end it, then that's a different story. But it sounds like you two are trying to work on it. So I just want to give voice to. I know, like, our practical minds are like, oh, I couldn't possibly quit my job.

I couldn't possibly sell my home. I couldn't possibly get a new car. Yeah, you can. Yeah, you can. Because all those things are just things. I'm literally sitting here in Florida right now, and we just had a hurricane come through, and people lost everything. Like, their home, their car, everything in their home. They lost everything. And that wasn't a choice that they got to make. You at least have that option to do it the way that you want to do it.

So I'm someone who has lived through two different occasions where I essentially got rid of all of my things and had to restart or rebuild or chose to restart and rebuild. And I'm a better person for it because I don't hang on to things, right? And no financial advisor would be like, yeah, you should definitely tear down the barn and rebuild it. But, my friend, if that's what you need to do, do it.

If it saves your marriage, which will impact your family for generations and impact your well being for the rest of your days, do it. Okay, now, you also said we're working on it. If I was your coach, I would want to know what's the plan, right? What is your plan? Because a lot of people say they're working on their marriage. Hear me when I say this, folks. If there has been discovered infidelity in your relationship, you need help with that.

You cannot work on it and work through this on your own. You can't do it. So it doesn't have to be with me. It can be with a marriage counselor. It can be with an individual counselor, a therapist, a psychotherapist, it can be a coach. It can look a bunch of different ways. But don't do it on your own, because the first order of business here is to heal.

You can't reconnect as a couple until you heal. So first order of business is healing, which means we gotta stop the bleeding, which is what we just spoke about. So I would wanna know, what is the plan? Who are you working with? Who's helping you? Because infidelity is such. It's so common, but it is complex and it's deep and it's wide. And that's why I say, like, you need help.

Navigating that storm and just saying we're working on it usually means we're both pretending it didn't happen and we're both trying to forget so that we can go back to this idea that we were good before, when clearly you weren't. Because the marriage was vulnerable to an affair to begin with. So there's a lot to uncover there. Healing first, then see if the marriage can be reconnected and be rebuilt.

Okay. And you need support as you're walking through that now. Some things I want you to think about for you, Jennifer, and for anyone who's in this situation is be conscious of the questions that you're asking. Right. When you find out that your partner has had an affair, you have 800,000 questions, understandably. But as you've realized, because you probably found out that she's been in your barn or she's been to your home or whatever by asking these questions.

I'm pretty sure he didn't just offer those things up. So be careful of the questions that you're asking, because as you now know, once you hear the answer, you can't unhear it. Once you see the text message or see the photo or see the emails, you can't unsee it. So be careful of the questions you're asking. I'm not saying don't ask any questions. I'm saying ask productive questions.

What did this mean to you? How did this make you feel? How does that differ from what you felt in our marriage? Those are productive questions. Where did you do it? How many times did you do it? Was she better than me, not productive. And will cause you to then have to carry that forever? So I just want you to really think about the questions that you're asking before you ask them, because sometimes we don't actually want or need to know some of these answers.

Secondly, and I told you this, heal first, then figure out how the marriage, if the marriage can be reconnected. Surveillance. The third thing I'll tell you, surveillance will work for you, will help you for a little bit, but it won't serve you long term, right? If. If your husband wants to cheat, he can cheat. He gets choice. He's an adult. You also get choice. You get to choose what you would do with that.

If he decides to cheat again, it's one of the ways that you can feel more secure is by having your own back. Like, think of. Think of if this was actually true. I don't know if it's true for you, but I'm going to work through this I'm going to choose to do the work, to attempt to forgive my husband for this betrayal. But if it happens again, there will be no conversation.

There will be no soul searching. I will know exactly what I need to do, and so will he. And we will end this. And it may not be pretty, right? That's when you realize you have your own back. And now you feel more safe. Now you feel more grounded. Now it's not. You don't have such a feeling of insecurity. Okay. Last thing I want to say is. Well, second to last thing is he needs to rebuild the trust.

Now that should be obvious, but sometimes in these betrayals, the person who cheated just wants you to just forget. Like, pretend it didn't happen so that that person doesn't have to do any soul searching or introspection or change or make change in their lives. Because change is hard introspection. You may not like everything you see. So that's hard work. But he broke the trust, so he's got to do the work to rebuild it.

It doesn't mean you don't have any work to do, but it means that he's got some work to do in this situation if he wants this relationship to work. So please don't take this all on as if it's your responsibility to carry this. And even though he's the one that cheated, he doesn't have any work to do in this way. And it's not really impacting his life in any way, but it's impacting yours.

Every single day. Probably the first thing you think about every single day. So he needs to rebuild that trust and you need to let him rebuild that trust if he's trying. Sometimes when people are trying really hard, we sort of push it away because we want them to do more, do more, do more. But then that becomes a bottomless pit. One of the ways that he can rebuild trust is he needs to.

You need to have his loving focus and no more lies, right? There needs to be transparency. We need to stop the lying and the hiding. Like, stop the bleeding. Of course. Because nothing you have no chance of healing if he's still cheating or if he's still in communication with his affair partner. But also what everyone who's ever been cheated on, what we all want to know is, are you choosing me?

Do you actively choose me? Are you choosing me because you don't want to be embarrassed by your story coming out? Are you choosing me because, well, it's going to be really inconvenient and very costly if I Divorce? No. Like, we want to be chosen. So that's that loving focus, that consistent loving focus that he can place on you to reassure you that he's choosing you. Not by default, not so that he doesn't have to face his fears or all the inconveniences of divorce, but choosing you because there's nowhere else that he would rather be and he's genuinely sorry for what he did and how it hurt you.

That's what you need to know. Okay, the last thing I will say is be patient with yourself. This is a long process. A lot of people come through it. It is absolutely possible to come through it. Don't do it alone. And be patient with yourself. Okay? So for anyone that you just found out that your partner has cheated on you, you're not alone. You're not the first person to walk this path.

It hurts like hell. And you can do this. You can come through it first. Heal. That's what's most important. Because you. Even if you end this relationship, you're taking yourself with you, and you want your healed self to come with you. And only from that healed place can you even try to reconnect in a new way with your partner. Anyway. So first things first is heal. The second order of business is can we find a new way to be in relationship with each other that feels more respectful, that feels trustworthy, that feels safe, that feels loving.

Chosen. All right. I hope that is helpful for you. For anyone out there. If you have a specific question, a specific circumstance that you would love for me to address on this podcast, I would love to help you with it. So all you have to do is leave me a voicemail message at 727-537-0359. Okay. And if you're worried about anonymity, just make up a name. It doesn't even matter.

You don't even have to leave a name. Just tell me your situation, we'll play it on this call, and I'll be glad to answer your question. If I can be helpful to you, I want to do that. All right. Please take really good care, and I'll see you on the next podcast. If you're listening to this podcast because you're struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage, and you're serious about finding that answer, it's time to book a truth and clarity session with a member of my team.

On the call, we'll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there's a fit for you and I to work together. So you can make and execute the right decision for you and your marriage. Go to clarityformymarriage.com to fill out an application. Now that's clarityformymarriage.com.