Episode 88: Red Flags In An Affair Partner

Welcome to the Loving Truth podcast, where it's all about finding clarity, confidence, and peace in the face of marriage challenges. And now your host, relationship expert and certified master life coach, Sharon Pope. Hello, loves. This is Sharon Pope, and this is the loving truth. Today we're going to have a conversation around the red flags to look for in an affair partner. Now, most affairs sort of stay in this honeymoon period as long as they are an affair, right?

It's not until it's no longer an affair and you're both emotionally and physically available to be in a relationship that then it becomes real. And real isn't the right word to use. That's not the right language to use. But what I mean is it's a little bit clouded because you don't have all the makings and the ingredients of a long term committed relationship inside an affair. You're meeting for a few hours at a time or a weekend a month away.

You're not making big, stressful decisions together. You're not parenting together. You're not making financial decisions together. You're able to sort of be in a little bit of a bubble of newness and adventure, and I risk. And so there's some spice to that that doesn't exist in a known, committed, non secretive long term relationship. Okay? So sometimes we will overlook bad behavior and we'll blame it on the fact that we're in an affair and that it would be so different once we're in that, quote, real relationship.

So I want to point out some things that I have heard over my ten plus years doing this work that I always just take note of when someone is telling me about something that their affair partner is doing that they're not really seeing as a red flag. I want to bring that up here so that you are aware of those things, because ultimately, if you're involved in an affair, you're probably thinking to varying degrees, that that relationship could be something down the road that is your primary relationship.

Like, you're thinking about a future with them in some way, shape, or form. Otherwise, you're probably not going to remain in the affair for that long. So if you're going to be in a long term, committed relationship with this person, you need to know about their emotional maturity. You need to know who they are willing and capable of being inside of a relationship. And my friends, most affair partners aren't really the most equipped to navigate long term committed relationships.

All right, so let's begin with where it should be obvious, but I know it's nothing. And that is the person who gets involved in an affair is willing to be number two, right. There's some part of them that they know that they are not your primary relationship, and yet they still get involved with you. They're willing to be the other person. So think about, let's say a husband is involved in an affair with another woman, and let's say it's been going on for years.

That other woman is willing to be the other woman for years. What do you have to believe about yourself and your own self worth to make that okay in your mind? That you don't have to be primary. That you don't have to be number one. You can be this ancillary other person and that'll be enough for you, even though you know it never is. Ultimately, at some point, you're going to want to be number one.

But the relationship started with you as this other person and you were willing to be. That. You were willing to be number two. So that's the first thing, the second thing, the second red flag that I'll bring up. I have clients who will tell me that they'll hear their phone go off in the middle of the night, like either a call or a text message or something like that, and they'll look at it and it's their affair partner.

And it freaks them out, understandably, because their spouse is sleeping twelve inches away from them while their affair partner is texting or calling them in the middle of the night. So there's a certain amount of entitlement that you have to believe in order to put your affair partner, put the person that you're involved in an affair with that you probably claim to love in danger like that, of having to react and respond to the shit storm that would happen if their spouse found out.

So texting in the middle of the night, calling in inopportune times when you know that their partner could see it. My friends, that is an entitled human being, and it's something to pay attention to, okay? That's not healthy behavior. And you might say, none of this is healthy. And you're right, none of it is. But I just want to bring up the red flags that most people don't see as red flags.

And I want you to start seeing them as, whoa, maybe it's time to pump the brakes. The person who is willing to put me at risk like that without my permission is not someone that I'm going to invest my heart and my life into. Another one would be the affair partner that wants to give you an ultimatum that you have to end your marriage in the next 60 days or I'm not going to be here.

Those ultimatums are manipulation in order for them to get their needs met. And the person who gets involved in an affair, they don't get to call the shots. They don't. They are not in charge. Now, when you're married and you get involved in an affair, there's a part of you that, that works for you because you do get to call the shots. You're completely in charge here. And when your affair partner starts making demands and ultimatums, like, it's one thing when they say, look, I've been number two for a while and I'm no longer willing to remain in a relationship where I'm not a priority, and it seems like you're not ready yet to end your marriage or if you ever will.

And I have to honor and respect that. That's a different conversation than if you don't end your marriage in the next 60 days. I'm not going to be here. That's an ultimatum. Right. And that's something for you to pay attention to. All right, the last one. And it's a biggie. Oh, it's a biggie. But doesn't it happen where an affair partner threatens to tell your spouse? Right. Because they're getting impatient about you not ending your marriage and going to be with them.

So they're going to take matters into their own hands and they're going to control it, and they're going to come and tell your spouse, red flag, red flag. Red flag, folks. This is all about control and manipulation, and that person is not capable of being in healthy relationship. It doesn't matter if you're emotionally available or not. That person is not going to be in healthy relationship because they're not thinking about you.

They're not thinking about your kids. They're not thinking about your family. They're not thinking about the shitstorm that you are going to have to deal with from the hurt and the pain and the fallout that comes along with discovering that your partner is having an affair. And by the way, a lot of affair partners have a really deep sense of insecurity because they're willing to be number two, because they don't yet believe that they can be or should be number one.

Or this deep seated insecurity, assuming that they would rather be with you than be alone when the shit hits the fan. Except if you're the one that came to their partner, told them that you're involved in a relationship with them. I mean, in my mind, I'm like, what makes you think the person that caused me that kind of pain is now the person I'm gonna wanna go run into their arms and be with forever?

That doesn't even make any sense to me. But it happens. It happens all the time. And sometimes affair partners will use that threat as a way to control the situation. And if they're using a threat, that's going to cause you and your family and the people you love harm in order to control the situation. There is no path to health inside of a relationship with this person. And so you've got to start seeing that as a red flag.

Okay, so again, lots of you listening to this, particularly those of you not involved in an affair, it's easy to say, well, none of this is healthy. So, Sharon, you're telling us about all these unhealthy measures, but here's the reality. I know that a lot of my clients get involved in an affair, and it just layers on more complexity and more confusion and more heartache, to be honest, into an already very difficult situation because they're struggling in their marriage.

Now, while you have a responsibility to. Yeah, you got involved in an affair like you have. You own a part of that, but so does your affair partner. They are an adult getting involved in an adult relationship where they knew you were not available, they knew you were married. They knew you weren't walking out the door the next day. You weren't separated like they knew. So they're an adult making grown adult decisions.

They knew the circumstances. They do not get to call the shots. Right? When you get involved with someone who is married, you don't get to make the rules. You don't get to call the shots. You don't get to make threats, and you don't get to make ultimatums. That is the reality. So while there is always some degree of unhealth around relationships, I will tell you, I do have clients.

I can think of several of them right now, who now have created a new life with the person who once wasn't a fair partner. But there's probably like, and I've been doing this for more than ten years, there's less than two handfuls of them. Like, there's more than five, there's less than ten, where the relationship on the other side actually was healthy. But none of these particular scenarios were present in their relationship.

When it was an affair, there weren't threats, there weren't ultimatums. There was a level of each of you taking personal accountability and not trying to control or manipulate the other right. So there was a level of emotional maturity on both of their parts to be able to close the chapter on one thing and then open a new chapter with someone in the future. So I just tell you these red flags because I genuinely want you to make choices for yourself that honor you.

And I don't have a horse in this race. Right. I don't think that every marriage should be saved. I don't think that every affair is doomed. But because so many of them begin in a place of such brokenness that it's almost impossible to have healthy, productive, committed relationships on the other side when it begins from such a place of pain and inability or inexperience in being ready for an emotionally mature relationship.

So it's important to pay attention to that, because if you think you're just going to jump from one relationship into the arms of another relationship so that you never have to feel that sense of loneliness, well, my friends, there's lonely when you don't have someone. That's a certain kind of loneliness. And it's understandable. It's a whole different kind of lonely when you're in a relationship where the person can't meet you there and they can't have healthy, productive, emotionally mature relationships with you.

That's a whole different kind of loneliness. All right, until next time, take really good care. If you're listening to this podcast, because you're struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you're serious about finding that answer, it's time to book a truth and clarity session with a member of my team. On the call, we'll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there's a fit for you and I to work together so you can make and execute the right decision for you and your marriage.

Go to clarityformymarriage.com to fill out an application. Now that's clarityformymarriage.com.