Episode 102: The Blame Game

Welcome to the Loving Truth podcast, where it's all about finding clarity, confidence, and peace in the face of marriage challenges. And now your host, relationship expert and certified master life coach, Sharon Pope. Hello, loves. This is Sharon Pope, and this is the Loving Truth. Today I want to talk to you about what I call the blame game. And as you might suspect, the blame game gets into the reasons why we blame one another and how blame plays a really important role inside the challenges of our marriage.

All right, so the best way for me to bring this to life for you is really just to give you some language and some examples. So one of the ladies inside of my community started a whole conversation, a whole thread around blame and how her husband blames her for his misery. And then someone else chimed in and said that their husband said the words, you and the kids are the reason I'm miserable.

And then a third person chimed in and said, I know I am the reason that my husband is miserable because I'm not sure if I still have feelings for him. I'm not sure if I still want to remain in inside this marriage, and that would make anyone miserable. We'll get to that in a second. First, I want to just talk about why is it that we as human beings reach for the emotion of blame?

Why do we reach for blame so readily? And the reason for that is because blame feels better than feelings like shame, guilt, despair, right? If I look, if I have to look at myself and I have to take responsibility for the place where our marriage is today, all the ways in which I didn't show up, all the day to day choices that I made to be rude to my partner or be unkind to my partner or ignore them or invalidate them.

Like all those little choices that I made. If I have to look at that directly now, I'm going to start to feel things like grief, fear, depression, shame, despair, guilt, unworthiness. Like those are horrible feeling emotions. We've all felt them at some point or another. It's at the bottom of the scale in terms of the worst of the worst feelings. Shame, despair, depression, grief. Those are all the horrible feelings that no one wants to feel.

But blame, blame, now that feels like a breath of fresh air compared to despair, compared to fear, compared to guilt and unworthiness, doesn't it? So that's the main reason why I think most human beings will very readily reach for blame as an emotion. Because while blame doesn't feel great, it feels a lot better than the feelings I feel when I really own my own choices and take Responsibility for my life.

The other thing, the other reason we reach for blame is that if I can get someone else to feel guilty, because if I'm blaming you, maybe you'll feel guilty and then you will do whatever you need to do to change the circumstances of my life in order to ease your own guilt. Which means I don't have to do the heavy lifting. I don't have to do the work of creating change in my life.

You're going to do it for me. And when I think about it through that lens, it's sort of like I'm going to outsource my life to someone else and just hope that they do a good job, right? So I'm going to blame you, make you feel guilty so that you'll make a different choice, that I don't have to face myself or I don't have to create any change within my own self or my own life.

So I'm just going to outsource my life and my feelings to you. And then those that feel guilty start picking it up, right? And that's where we get in trouble. My friends, don't outsource your life to someone else. They are not equipped, they are not qualified to live your life for you. You're the only one that is qualified to live your life for you. And if it's your spouse that's in the blame game, they are the only ones qualified to live their life for them.

You are not qualified to live their life for them. Okay? And if you don't like something about your life, then I would suggest instead of reaching for blame, that you make different choices, you take different actions, you do something different. Because if you're unhappy, if you're miserable, you sitting back and pointing the finger and blaming someone else probably is not going to change that situation for you. You're the only one equipped to be able to create that change.

But you're like, yeah, I don't want to do the heavy lifting in my own life, so I'll just blame you and maybe you'll do something different so that then my life will be different, right? That doesn't even make any sense. And this role of victim that we're playing, when we get into the blame game, right, as soon as we start pointing the finger at someone else, we automatically put ourselves in the role of the victim.

And it's the most disempowering state you can possibly have in your life. Telling yourself directly or indirectly that you have no power in your own life. It's incredibly disempowering. Playing the role of the victim. I mean, it might get you out of doing some heavy lifting, but it's never going to create a life that's going to feel really good for you. Right? So your thoughts are what create your feelings, but only 100% of the time.

Okay, so your husband's thoughts are what is creating your husband's feelings? Your thoughts are what is creating your feelings. So if we go back to the woman in my group who had said, I know that I am the reason my husband is miserable, he's not sure that I have feelings for him. He's not sure if I want to remain in the marriage, and that would make anyone miserable.

So let me give you an example. Let's say that her husband heard those words like, I'm not sure I'm in love with you, not sure I want to stay married. And he had the thought, oh, my God, something's gone terribly wrong. I love this woman. I thought she loved me. This is going to upset our whole lives. I have to do something that's going to cause fear, it's going to cause anxiety.

Those thoughts are going to create those emotions. But let's just say, just for fun, let's say he had the thought, well, thank God, I have been waiting for her to do this forever so that she could free both of us, and then I don't have to be the bad guy. So that thought is going to create feelings of maybe contentment, maybe even excitement, certainly relief. Right? So his thoughts about the situation is what's creating his emotions.

Your thoughts about any situation is what's creating your emotions. So this idea that she says, I know I am the reason that my husband is miserable, or this idea, it's just a thought. It's not a fact that that would make anyone miserable. Not true. It's not true 100% of the time. Therefore, it's not truth with a capital T. It's our thoughts that are creating how we feel. So when we say, you're making me miserable, no, it is your thoughts about the circumstances in your life that's making you miserable.

Okay? So don't reach for blame in your own life. It's the most disempowering thing that you can possibly do. You know, we are adult human beings out here making adult choices, hundreds of adult choices every single day. And here's what I would say. I think it's easy to see in others how other people blame us, especially when the blame is pointed at us. We feel that. Right? We know that.

So I Think it's easy to see in other people when they're in the blame game? I think it's harder to see within ourselves. But whenever I get into a place of blame, because I'm human too, right? So sometimes I'm going to reach for blame because blame feels better than despair and depression and doubt and grief and all that stuff, right? But when I recognize that I'm in that game, that's when I get curious and I'm like, wait a minute.

What was my role in this? Even if it was 10% and the other person was responsible 90%, what was my role in the creation of this experience? Because that's where all my power lies, is I can control myself. I can't control anybody else. I can change myself. I cannot change anybody else. And so when someone tries to pass their blame onto you so that you'll feel guilty, my friend, stop picking it up.

You don't have to pick it up, carry it, take good care of it, nurture it, water it, feed it. You don't. They can pass blame to you, but that doesn't mean you have to pick it up. What you could do is actually show them how. No, in fact, they're responsible for how they feel. Help empower them. Help show them that the world is not doing something to them.

The world is existing through them, through their lens, and they are actively creating how they feel as they move through their life, either consciously or unconsciously. Now, when someone gives you constructive feedback, I think that's different, right? When they're blaming you or they're saying, hey, you could have done that better, xyz. Like, I think it's always worthwhile to look at that, right? When someone gives you criticism or gives you blame, whatever, you'll know if there's really something there for you.

If you take a moment, if you just pause for a second and go, is there something here for me? And sometimes there is. I could have done that better. I could have done it differently. I could have thought through it a little bit, you know, more. But you'll know if there's something there for you to help you improve or better yourself in some way. If you can just pause and take a look at it through that lens.

But you will also know if there's not something there for you. Like, nope, they're just trying to pass off their actions and their choices and saying you're responsible for it. Because I think truth lands differently and the body so, you know, it will feel like, oh, yeah, there's something there for me. And I can own that and I can take some accountability for it or not. So just because someone is blaming doesn't mean you have to, like, throw it all away and say, nope, that's not mine.

I'm not picking it up. There might be some elements, there might be some morsels there for you to be able to improve and do better in your life when you're willing to see it, but that also doesn't mean, again, health resides in the middle. It doesn't mean you have to pick it all up, carry it for the rest of your life, and say, I'm guilty of all these things and causing misery to other people, because, my friends, it's just not true.

As I often say, if you could make someone feel anything, you should take that on the road, Right? Because there are a lot of sad, anxious people in depression that feel really unsure and have a real feeling of upset every single day of their lives, and they need you. So if you can make people feel better all the time, you can feel confident, make them feel secure, take it on the road.

You could help a lot of people, but the reality is you can't. So if something is truth, it is truth all the time. And that's why I say it is your thoughts that are creating your feelings, but only 100% of the time, because it's true all the time. Do we influence one another? Yes. Do we impact one another? Yes. But don't get into the blame game. Playing the role of the victim doesn't serve you.

It won't help you create the kind of life that you really want for yourself, nor the kind of relationship that you really want for yourself. And when someone's trying to blame you, empower them. Show them that actually they're responsible for how they're feeling right now, and they could choose to look at this situation or the circumstances differently. All right. I hope that gives you something to think about, something to really apply to your life that can make a real difference for you.

Until next time, take really good care. If you're listening to this podcast because you're struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you're serious about finding that answer, it's time to book a truth and clarity session with a member of my team on the call. We'll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there's a fit for you and I to work together so you can make and execute the right decision for you and your marriage.

Go to clarityformymarriage.com to fill out an application. Now that's clarityformymarriage.com.