Episode 87: When You Don’t Want to Try Anymore

Welcome to the Loving Truth podcast, where it's all about finding clarity, confidence, and peace in the face of marriage challenges. And now, your host, relationship expert, and certified master life coach, Sharon Pope. Hello, loves. This is Sharon Pope, and this is the loving truth. Today, I want to have a soulful conversation with you, specifically with those of you that have given up on your marriage ever evolving or you're feeling like you no longer are willing to keep trying to make it better.

So I want to share with you my story that happened inside of my first marriage. So I had gotten to that place of where I had given up. It was probably around eight or nine years into the relationship that I started to notice other couples. I noticed how they would interact and engage with each other. I noticed a natural affection that existed between them. So, for instance, when we were out to dinner and my husband and I, we would have a little bit to talk about, but not a lot.

I would notice other couples having dinner together and how they would be leaning into the table or leaning in to look at one another. I noticed how they would look each other in the eye and be really, really present. I noticed how they would reach across the table and touch a hand, or they would be sitting next to each other, and they would just have, like, an arm on a shoulder or the small of a back or a hand on a leg while they were sitting next to one another.

Right. There was this natural sort of unforced connection that was palpable. And I remember looking at other couples and thinking, why don't we have that? What is that thing that they have that we don't have? And so I started trying to talk to my husband about that. And I was not a relationship coach at the time, so I had probably as many tools in my toolbox as you do, which wasn't a lot, right?

And so I did the best I could. I went to him and said, you know, I want us to have a more affectionate relationship. But to be honest, like, he didn't grow up in an affectionate household, either, where his parents were affectionate with one another, nor were they affectionate with him. Didn't mean they didn't love him. They did. And I didn't grow up in that kind of a household.

My parents weren't affectionate with one another, and they weren't terribly affectionate with me. So, you know, if I really look back on it, I would say I probably chose him and married him because it kept me safe from having to get uncomfortable. He wasn't pressuring me to be more affectionate. That wasn't something that he was comfortable with. And because I wasn't comfortable with it either, it worked pretty well until it didn't, until what I wanted changed.

And so he would try to meet that need, but he didn't really know how to do it, and it was uncomfortable, and it was a little bit awkward because he hadn't grown up with it. Right. And to be honest, I didn't know how to receive it. And if I'm really honest, I wasn't terribly concerned about making sure that I was giving the very thing that I was asking for in return.

Right. I wasn't concerned about being more affectionate with him. I just wanted him to be more affectionate with me. Right. And now, today, I know you should never ask for your partner to do something for you that you're not willing to do for them. Like, now, I know that. But at the time, I didn't know that. So we would have lots of conversations about how to be affectionate, which is funny in and of itself, having conversations about being more affectionate as opposed to just doing it, moving through the discomfort until it becomes more natural and more comfortable.

We'd have lots of conversations, and it got to be pretty prescriptive about how and when and why again and all of that. And so it just got to be kind of awkward. And after a while, I gave up. I just said, you know what? This is what? I said to myself. I didn't say it to him. I said to myself, you know what? This is never going to become that naturally affectionate relationship that I'm craving.

But there are enough other good things here, and I'm just going to try to focus on that, right? Because my husband at the time had a lot of other really good qualities. He's a good, kind human being. And so I tried to just focus on that. Here's the rub. I didn't tell him. Now people will often ask me, do you have any regrets? Do you regret getting married?

Do you regret making the decision to divorce? And I will say, like, I don't live with a lot of regret. I just don't. I choose to not live with much regret. But now, knowing what I know, there's one regret. And that is when I gave up on our marriage ever evolving to a place that would feel good for me. I never told my husband, and that wasn't fair, right?

He's 50 part, 50% part of this relationship. And so if I'm giving up on the marriage, don't you think he deserves to know that. I do. I can tell you today, now, being in my second marriage, if my husband had 1ft out the door, I would want to know that. Frankly, I think I deserve to know that. Right? But we don't talk about it, do we? We give up, then we keep it in ourselves, and then we talk ourselves into pretending.

And then what ends up happening is all that pretending turns into resentments down the road. Like for about a year, I would say I was very conscious of my pretending and just trying to focus on the good and not focus on what it wasn't and focus on what it was. That's how I talked myself into it and that's how I made myself feel better about my marriage. But the problem was, is that after about a year, then I just felt resentful because then I felt like I wasn't getting my needs met and he wasn't able to meet that need.

And so now I'm just kind of pissed, right? And so then those resentments build up and then the disconnection just gets wider and wider until divorce becomes the next logical step. So if you are in that place of where you're feeling like you no longer want to try, or you've given up on your relationship, then the last thing you want someone to do is to try to guilt you into trying again.

Because that's the noble thing to do, is just to try, try again. Like sometimes you just get to that place of where you're done and you no longer want to try. And so if that's you, I'm not going to try to talk you into trying again. But what I'm going to tell you is that it's time for a conversation. You've got to be able to express where you're at with your partner, because they are in fact, your partner.

They are 50% of this relationship, and they deserve to know where your heart and mind is at as it relates to the relationship. So that conversation might sound like, I think our best next step here is a separation. That might be where you're at. And if so, that's okay. The conversation might sound something like, I need you to know that I've given up on this relationship ever evolving to a place that can feel good.

I've tried all the things I know to try to make the relationship feel better, but I don't know how this is going to turn out. I'm not coming to you and saying I'm ready for divorce, but I need you to know that I'm getting closer and closer to that every day. And so if there's any part of you that is not fully showing up to this relationship, or if there's any part of you that's holding back, or there's someone that you want to be as a husband, as a father, as a man inside this relationship that you're not being today, then now is that time.

Now is the time to make any changes. Right? This is sending up a very necessary red flag, because many times our partners just think, ah, they're just upset. They'll get over it. Wait a day or two, we'll move on, right? They're not thinking that you're carrying the pain and the weight of it or that you're considering ending the relationship. And I having been there myself and being able to look back on it now, I just look at it and go, you know what, Sharon?

You are in an adult relationship. You should have been able to have adult conversations with the other adult that's in the relationship that I didn't know what I didn't know, and I did the best I could, and now that I know better, I can very clearly look back at that and go, man, I screwed that up. He deserved to know that. He deserved to have a heads up that I was starting to contemplate letting go of this marriage years before I actually told him.

So that by the time I told him, there was no changing my mind. It was done. It was a done deal. I had been thinking about it for years. He hadn't thought about ending it for ten minutes. So, of course, he felt like the rug had been pulled out from underneath him because I hadn't been communicating. So sometimes we don't want to tell our partners that we've given up because, you know, we don't believe.

Or let's say this, sometimes we don't want to keep trying in the relationship because we don't believe that it'll work. That's one of the reasons why we don't want to try. We sort of fail in advance. Like, I'm just not going to try because there's no guarantee that it'll work. Or maybe it's. I've tried all the things I know to try, and that hasn't been successful, so why should I even continue to bother?

I've been trying. It hasn't worked. Therefore, it never will. That may or may not be true. Sometimes we don't want to try because we just don't want to speak it out loud. It's very scary to consider ending your marriage. But if you get to that place of where you're feeling like you might end your marriage and just to speak the words is terrifying. That's one of the reasons why we don't want to keep trying and we don't want to communicate.

And sometimes we no longer want to try because we realize that the relationship really can never be what it is that you want it to be. So here's what I would tell you. Wherever you are, if you're in a place of where you're not yet ready to give up on your struggling marriage, then get equipped with some real relationship tools. Get more tools in that toolbox that you can pull from, and then apply them over and over and over again with some degree of consistency, knowing that it's going to take some effort and it's going to take some trial and error before it starts to feel natural, right.

My ex husband and I, we never worked through the discomfort of the affection until it came more natural, until it started to feel comfortable. We just sort of stopped when it got to be uncomfortable and said, eh, that feels too vulnerable or that feels too open or whatever. And so we stopped. So if you're at that place of where you're not yet ready to give up, then get equipped and apply the tools over and over and over again until you move through the discomfort and the newness of changing the way that you engage with your partner, until it starts to become more comfortable to see can the relationship evolve to a new place or not?

And if you are at that place of where you no longer want to try, I don't know, I might be the only coach out there that'll tell you, that's okay. That's okay. I got to that same place in my marriage where I no longer wanted to try. By the time he was ready to go to counseling, I was done. So I for sure, I'm not going to sit here and pass some kind of judgment on you to say, you should want to try again and again and again.

Like at some point you get to a place of where you don't want to try. But if you are at that place, what I would encourage you to do is have an adult conversation, right? Tell your partner where you're at, because they deserve to know where their partner's heart and mind is at as it relates to them and as it relates to your relationship. And then even if the marriage ends, you won't look back and say, you know what?

I could have done that better. I should have told him. I should have clued him in that I had given up on their relationship and not just kept it to myself because he deserved to know. Right? You won't ever say that. All right, so get clear about where you are, and then you know what your next step is. I hope that that gives you something tangible to consider.

It's not easy when you realize that you've sort of given up on your relationship. But on the other side of that, give up is also a very scary prospect that can leave you paralyzed in that place of where you've given up and you're no longer investing in the relationship, but you're not yet ending it either, so that neither of you are able to really move forward and create the kind of loving, connected relationship that both of you desire and that both of you absolutely deserve.

All right, until next time, take good care. If you're listening to this podcast, because you're struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you're serious about finding that answer, it's time to book a truth and clarity session with a member of my team. On the call, we'll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there's a fit for you and I to work together so you can make and execute the right decision for you and your marriage.

Go to clarityformymarriage.com to fill out an application. Now that's clarityformymarriage.com.