"No one is angrier than someone doing the “right thing” and secretly wishing for something else." - James Hollis Jill and Barry are going to cross their 16th wedding anniversary soon. But she...
The Silent Contract Between You Two
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Marriage Advice
Have I Outgrown My Husband?
If one has not in fact grown in the course of a marriage, it has been a dreadful disaster. Mere longevity in a marriage is not necessarily something to celebrate, for what happened to the souls of...
What Are We Arguing About?
“Only one thing is more frightening than speaking your truth, and that is not speaking.” - Naomi Wolf One of my clients came downstairs and picked a fight with her husband about how messy the...
When do you know the marriage is over?
“I went to war for what we had; you never even laced your boots.” N.R. Shepherd When do you know the marriage is over? When do you stop fighting for the marriage? My client listed all the things...
One Conversation Created A Miracle For One Couple
“Just when you think you haven’t got anything left, take a deep breath and take one more step. It could be the one thing that changes everything.” - Rachael Bermingham Sometimes my clients surprise...
One Simple Way to Get Out of Roommate Status
“If you’re only talking tactics and logistics (no longer talking about your hopes and dreams), your relationship will eventually feel like roommates.” -paraphrased from Alex Charfen When I ask women...
Some Of Your Husbands Will Love Me. Some Won’t.
“A man is only insecure about a female when he knows she deserves better.” -Unknown Author Some husbands are grateful for the work I do with their wives. When their relationship completely...
Controlling For 30 Years…Until Now.
“Your children will become who you are; so be who you want them to be.” -David Bly My new client and I met for the first time on our first video coaching session. It is during this first session...
Inspiring Isn’t Always Effective
A few days ago, I posted a quote from Frida Kahlo (a world-renowned self-portrait painter, with multiple disabilities in the early 1900s and a role model for generations of artists) to her husband...
My Marriage is Over
“neither of us is happy but neither of us wants to leave so we keep breaking one another and calling it love.” -Rupi Kaur, Milk and Honey One of my clients recently shared with me an analogy of how...
Looking For Peace When a Marriage is Crumbling
“You’ll never find peace of mind until you listen to your heart.” George Michael If there is one relationship dynamic that I have seen hundreds (maybe thousands) of times it’s that once a woman...
Not All Men Are “Good Men”
“I will not stay, not ever again - in a room or conversation or relationship or institution that requires me to abandon myself.” Glennon Doyle ***You know how some videos come with a warning about...
What Have You Given Up on in Your Marriage?
“Oh, you weak, beautiful people who give up with such grace. What you need is someone to take hold of you - gently, with love, and hand your life back to you.” Tennessee Williams There was a time...
Why Divorce Should ALWAYS Be an Option
“The vow, ‘till death do us part, is killing our marriages.” Sharon Pope I know...I know….it’s blasphemy. Divorce talk from a relationship coach? (Insert gasp here…) But wait, there’s more...
Why Is Fixing the Relationship My Responsibility?
“In relationships between dominant and subordinate groups, the subordinate group members always possess a far greater understanding of dominant group members and their culture than vice versa.”...
What’s the Worst That Will Happen?
“When we avoid difficult conversations, we trade short-term discomfort for long-term dysfunction.” Peter Bromberg Maybe you’ve been avoiding having a difficult conversation with your spouse. Maybe...
A Mic Drop Marriage Moment
“Difficult roads lead to beautiful destinations.” Zig Ziglar I have been working with R. for some time and she and her husband’s relationship have gone through plenty of high and low points. But...
Why We Don’t Do What We Should Be Doing
"The first duty of love is to listen." Paul Tillich When we intellectually know something is both necessary and important… But we still choose to not pay much attention to it… That means...
Waiting for Change
It was about this time last year that my client, Suzanne, was waiting for her daughter to graduate before confronting her husband about his affair. She didn’t want that drama impacting her...
Why is Marriage So Hard? – Part Three
Why is marriage so hard? Does it have to be this difficult? Shouldn't it be easier? The answer is yes, but it will require us to begin accepting and embracing our differences rather than railing...
Why Is Marriage So Hard? – Part Two
Why is marriage so hard? Why do my needs never get met? Will things ever change? I’ve been learning everything I possibly can about the differences between men and women so that we can begin to...
Why is Marriage So Hard? – Part One
Have you ever asked yourself, why is marriage so hard? Implied in that question is that marriage shouldn't be difficult...that love should be easy, effortless. Clearly, that's not true. But marriage...
When a Marriage is Tested
“Life has many ways of testing a person’s will, either by having nothing happen at all or by having everything happen all at once.” Paulo Coelho A worldwide pandemic… A child in struggle… An affair...
When We’re Not Threatened, We’re Not Defensive
“When you show deep empathy towards others, their defensive energy goes down, and positive energy replaces it. That’s when you can get more creative in solving problems.” Stephen Covey If...
I’m Stuck. Is That True?
“You have to stop thinking that you’ll be stuck in your current situation forever…Don’t confuse a season, for a lifetime.” Brittney Moses I’ve heard several reports recently referencing how the call...
It’s Going to Get Rough 🌩️
It’s only been a week since many of us were forced to start spending more time at home with our spouses. We went from spending a majority of our time at the office, the gym, running errands, and...
Three Steps to Getting Your Needs Met in Your Marriage
“You’ll never get what you need by demanding what you want.” Matthew L. Jacobson Has anyone come to you within the last week and asked you, “What do you need?” or “What can I do for you?” If...
A Perfect Storm: Increased Stress and More Time Together
“What you focus on expands. So focus on what you want, not what you do not want.” Esther Jno-Charles If you have been struggling in your marriage feeling disconnected and alone, I have some bad...
One Reason for Some Affairs: Disconnection from Self
“It’s one thing to lose people you love. It is another to lose yourself. That is a greater loss.” Donna Goddard My client, who I’ll refer to as Sue, had been enduring more than her fair share of...
Enough is Enough. (Rant Warning)
“There comes a point in every man’s life when he has to say: “Enough is enough.” Lance Armstrong I’m sitting on my hotel balcony on the second floor. It was a warm Arizona evening and there was a...
Do We Need a Clean Slate to Move Forward?
“There is no such thing as a clean slate.” Simon Asher Beth has had so much hurt and betrayal over the last 25 years in her marriage. Her husband has shown her rage and anger, blaming her for his...
Say “Thank You”
“Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.” Children’s Letters to God Over the weekend, I was re-watching one of the old Super Soul Sunday episodes where...
Obligation and Marriage
“Relationships based on obligation lack dignity.” Wayne Dyer Maybe this sounds familiar to you: “Last night my husband and I were discussing whether or not he would go out of his way to pick up some...
Sounding the Alarm Bells on Gaslighting
“Lies don’t end relationships, the truth does.” Shannon L. Alder Psychology Today tells us that “gaslighting is a form of persistent manipulation and brain washing that causes the victim to doubt...
Unconditional Love is Not Unconditional Consequences
“Once you learn to accept and love them for who they are, you subconsciously learn to love yourself unconditionally.” Yvonne Pierre Loving unconditionally is the hardest work we will ever do in our...
My Marriage is a Mess. Why Look for Gratitude?
“If there were an anti-depressant that worked like gratitude, we would all be on it.” Martha Beck I received an email from a client who is trying very hard to make her marriage feel good again. She...
Alpha Men and Beta Men. Alpha Women and Beta Women.
When I say the terms alpha and beta here, I do not mean that alpha is better than or superior in any way to a beta. It’s not a hierarchy. It’s a disposition, a way of approaching life. One wants to...
Why Most Affairs Don’t Live Happily Ever After
“Sometimes when we cheat, we’re running away from our partners. Sometimes we’re running away from ourselves and the person we’ve become.” Esther Perel Some affairs lead to lasting love; most...
Give Up the Need to Know…For Now.
“Have no judgements, no expectations and give up the need to know what happens tomorrow.” Caroline Myss I asked a group of women that I coach regarding their struggling and disconnected marriages...
When Loving You is Betraying Myself
“Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have.” Robert Holden It was early Saturday morning. He had brought her coffee since she was still in bed. He...
But Aren’t We Supposed to Make Each Other Happy?
“Whoever is happy will make others happy too.” Anne Frank Here’s a great question I got from a client in my membership program: If it's not our job to make each other happy, what is our...
The Most Damaging Lie We Tell in our Marriages
"The truth only hurts when you want to believe a lie." Jennifer McVey Most of us would agree that lying to our spouses is wrong. We understand that principle intellectually, but that doesn’t stop us...
Choosing Between Two Men
“Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take can sometimes be the most painful…” José N. Harris When a woman has had an affair – and falls in love – she thinks...
I Hope I’m Never Someone’s Contingency Plan
“We have contingency plans for war, but none for peace.” Theodore C. Sorensen I’d like to offer a relationship story that is purely hypothetical…wink;) wink;) A client that I’ll refer to as...
Women Leave Mentally Before They Leave Physically
“Women leave mentally before they leave physically...Once you lose her mind, the body soon follows.” Stephan Speaks Relationships Sometimes the women I work with want to do everything they can to...
He’s Not Meeting My Needs
He’s Not Meeting My Needs… “You don’t get to tell people how to love you; you get to choose if you want to participate in the way they love.” Tracy Kaufmann We’ve all been in relationships...
The Intensity of Pain
“Never be ashamed of how deeply and passionately you loved someone who destroyed you, because destroying things is just who they are…and loving things deeply and passionately is who you are.” ...
We Have High Expectations for Our Marriages
“Expectations were like fine pottery. The harder you held them, the more likely they were to crack.” Brandon Sanderson Marriage began as a means to increase wealth and power for a family. Men...
A Marriage Tool for Having Difficult Conversations
“A real conversation always contains an invitation. You are inviting another person to reveal himself or herself to you, to tell you who they are or what they want.” David Whyte When our...
Children and Divorce: What if Your Kids Could Thrive?
“Your children are watching you very, very closely. Showing your children that you can respect each other and resolve conflict respectfully will give them a good foundation for the conflict that...
Is It Possible to Heal a Marriage After an Affair? Part 3
Both perspectives matter: “What it did to me and what it meant for you.” Esther Perel I’m going to say something that’s likely going to confuse you (and maybe even piss you off a bit)… Here it goes:...
Is it Possible to Heal a Marriage After an Affair? Part 2
“The daggers of silence last longer than anything ever spoken.” Shannon L. Alder The nature of my coaching practice means I have to exist in the grey areas of life in order to understand human...
Is It Possible to Heal a Marriage After an Affair? Part 1.
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” Rumi If a marriage is a beautiful piece of glass, affairs are the immediate shattering of that glass right in front of us. Surrounded by shards...
Is Your Marriage Surviving on Leftovers?
“Don’t settle for average. Bring your best to the moment.” Angela Bassett My client, Tracey, is a successful real estate agent – which is to say she spends her days running around like her...
But My Situation Is Different…
“Problems in relationship occur because each person is concentrating on what’s missing in the other person.” Wayne Dyer I love how the Universe works… My message today has been about how we...
Ten Tips to Divorce Differently
“What if I didn’t blame the other person for anything, and held myself 100 percent accountable? What if I checked my own s--- at the door and put my children first? What if I reminded myself of the...
Difficult Conversations Will Be Uncomfortable
“Difficult conversations will be uncomfortable for a few hours, but that’s better than a lifetime of second-guessing, regret or disconnection.” -Me Every once in a while, someone will reach...
Can One Person Make a Difference?
“The achievements of an organization are the results of the combined effort of each individual.” Vince Lombardi When we’re struggling in our marriages, the obvious solution is to go to...
Surviving Infidelity
“Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept, what your mind already knows.” Unknown When we’re talking about surviving infidelity it’s typically in the context of: Can the betrayed...
Can I Trust Him?
“Trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair.” Unknown Author Most of the time when I speak to men and women about trust in their marriages, we’re talking about...
Will My Husband Ever Change?
Will my husband ever change? “Resistance to change manifests itself in many ways, from foot-dragging and inertia to petty sabotage to outright rebellions.” Rosabeth Moss Kanter Sometimes we expect...
Understanding Emotional Infidelity
“This is how dishonesty and betrayal started, not in big lies but in small secrets.” Amy Tan One of my clients had recently learned of her husband engaging in emotional infidelity with a woman he...
Verbally Abusive Relationship
“Disagreement is acceptable. Disrespect is not.” Stephan Labossiere Imagine for a moment, you’re in the next room while your daughter and her husband are having an argument. You're listening-in...
How Do You Know When Your Marriage is Over?
“Knowing when to walk away, is wisdom. Being able to, is courage. Walking away with grace, and your head held high is dignity.” Ritu Ghatourey By the time people find their way to my work, they’ve...
Our Arguments Never Get Resolved
“If someone is arguing with you, you are saying something arguable.” Julia B. Colwell, PhD One of the things I help my private clients do is identify the patterns of engagement with their...
The Five Steps to Having Difficult Conversations
“The urge to blame is based…on the fear of being blamed.” Douglas Stone In our marriages, it seems the conversation we avoid the most are the very ones we most need to be having with our partners....
She was Putting Her Kids in the Middle
“People can’t change the truth, but the truth can change people.” Drake My client, who I’ll refer to as Naomi shared something important with me recently: She said she realized how she was...
All Love Matters…Even When It Ends
When my client, who I’ll refer to as Vicky began working with me, she was trying to determine if there was any hope for her marriage that had been on the ropes for years. They were separated and...
The Shame of Staying
“Shame is a soul eating emotion.” Carl Gustav Jung My new client, who I’ll refer to as Paula, recently found out that her husband has been having an affair with another woman for at least ten...
Was Your Marriage Put on a Shelf?
“Rarely does anything get properly cooked on the back burner.” Susan Gale Back when most of us got married, it felt like some sort of an accomplishment. We checked that box with a buoyant optimism...
Are You Growing Closer Together or Drifting Further Apart?
“Continents drift and so do hearts.” John Mark Green In my marriage and relationship coaching practice, people reach out to me when their marriages have been struggling for years or even decades....
Resentments of an Alpha Female
“Being both soft and strong is an accomplishment that very few have mastered.” Yasmin Mogahed In my first marriage, I was a woman who was strong and capable and driven. I was a marketing...
If Your Husband is Controlling, Here’s Why.
“If I was meant to be controlled, I would have come with a remote.” Genereux Philip Many of my clients have controlling husbands. Their husbands are afraid that their wives are not being...
Loving Unconditionally is the Hardest Work We’ll Ever Do
“The only way love can last a lifetime is if it’s unconditional.” Stephen Kendrick Loving unconditionally is easy to say, living it is so much more difficult. When my husband is telling me...
The Kiss of Death for Your Marriage: The Need to be Right
Occasionally a marriage will end as a result of one single incident, such as infidelity. But more often than not, it’s the day-to-day hurtful words and actions between a couple that dissolve a...
Why People in Healthcare Struggle in Their Marriages
“Once all struggle is grasped, miracles are possible.” Mao Zedong If you were to look at the national averages for divorce rates in the US for people in the healthcare profession, it would...
1825 Days Without Affection
“Each night ask yourself…when did you withhold love when you might have given it?” Marianne Williamson My client, Marilyn, told me it had been at least 5 years since she and her husband had...
Some of the Most Successful People You Know Have Relationship Struggles
“Every great man, every successful man, no matter what the field of endeavor, has known the magic that lies in these words: every adversity has the seed of an equivalent or greater benefit.” W....
Why Bother Trying?
“Do not fear failure but rather fear not trying.” Roy T. Bennett Fixing our relationship just seems so hard… Maybe it would just be easier to find someone who has the qualities I want in an...
Your Relationship Prep for the New Year
“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you’re not going to stay where you are.” Unknown I’ve not always been the biggest fan of New Year’s (until I decided to get married...
Someone Has to Take the Lead
“Peace doesn’t require two people; it only requires one. It has to be you. The problem begins and ends there.” Byron Katie When a relationship is struggling, it’s easy to sit back and wait for the...
The Difference between Loving Someone & Using Them…
“Pain in this life is not avoidable, but the pain we create avoiding pain is avoidable.” RD Laing, MD Yesterday I had a VIP Day with a brave and openhearted woman struggling to understand whether or...
What Will Happen If I Let It Go?
“Things are as they are, we suffer because we imagined different.” Anonymous Our expectations of other people and our attachments to how we think the circumstances of our lives should be get...
The Mature Marriage: Five Signs Your Marriage is in Trouble
"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come...
What if No One has to be Wrong?
“An open mind, in questions that are not ultimate, is useful.” C.S. Lewis Aubrey had received a phone call from her husband John, and he was fuming. She had communicated something to his mother that...
Why I Don’t Give Advice
“I do not like giving advice: it is incurring an unnecessary responsibility.” Benjamin Disraeli People literally reach out to me from all over the world seeking advice on their struggling...
Support Groups Seem Like a Perfectly Logical Idea…
“Never look back unless you’re planning to go that way.” Henry David Thoreau When people are struggling in their marriages, they often feel confused about what to do and scared of making the...
Begging for Affection
“The hardest of all is learning to be a well of affection, and not a fountain; to show them that we love them not when we feel like it, but when they do.” Nan Fairbrother “I can sit next to...
The Tornado of the Type A Woman
“It can’t be a great marriage without being a great partnership.” Helen Mirren In coaching, recognizing yourself in others is something called, ‘You spot it, you got it.’ The idea is that you...
The Guardian of His Solitude
“The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his...
I Don’t Miss Him Because…
“When you love someone, truly love them, you lay your heart open to them. You give them a part of yourself that you give to no one else, and you let them inside a part of you that only they can...
Protecting Your Heart
“You don’t protect your heart by acting like you don’t have one.” Unknown Author Casey has been married for 15 years and over those years there had been plenty of hurtful words,...
How Did We Go from Hope to Hate?
“Truth is about perception and what we believe shapes what we perceive.” Alan B Jones Imagine for a second you’re sitting in your living room and just on the other side of a sliding glass...
I Didn’t Go Looking for an Affair
“If you don’t receive love from the ones that are meant to love you, you will never stop looking for it.” Robert Goolrick “I never intended for this to happen.” “I never saw this coming.” “I...
Why Your Husband Shuts Down
“Men want to communicate with the women they love, but how they need to go about it is likely to be very different.” Shaunti Feldhahn My client Cynthia, processes things very quickly; she has...
When We Betray Ourselves
“Discomfort is a wise teacher.” Carolyn Myss My client, who I’ll refer to here as Stella, had been married for 18 years when she found out that her husband had been involved in an online...
The Power in Making a Decision
“Courage and confidence are what decision making is all about.” Mike Krzyzewski A client, who I’ll call Paula, had gotten stuck. Six weeks ago, she told her husband that she felt it was time...
When You Take Responsibility, You Have the Ability to Respond
“One of the greatest challenges in creating a joyful, peaceful and abundant life is taking responsibility for what you do and how you do it. As long as you can blame someone else, be angry with...
The Four Stages of Marriage
"Our marriages are never static; they are always changing - either growing or withering..." Dave & Claudie Arp Our marriages and most intimate relationships are incredibly complex and...
Do You and Your Husband Talk about the Weather?
“Curiosity is, in great and generous minds, the first passion and the last.” Samuel Johnson What do you most love to talk about? Inspirational ideas? Dreams and goals? Making plans?...