When We Withhold Love

Last updated: Oct 13, 2022

“If you withhold love as a form of punishment, who is being punished?” Donald L. Hicks


Here’s how most relationships work:

  • When my spouse is doing the things that I want them to do, I show them love.
  • When they’re not doing those things or doing things that I would prefer they NOT do, I withhold love.

My spouse will clearly feel the difference and will adjust their actions and behaviors accordingly so that the love spicket will once again rain upon them.

That’s not love, that’s attachment and manipulation.


We are taught this from a very young age…

  • As kids, when we were doing what our parents wanted, they would be loving towards us. They would let us have our favorite snack and spend more time playing.
  • But when we were misbehaving, all of a sudden that love dried up. We were sent to our rooms and forced to go to bed early.

It’s so engrained in us that it’s almost the only way we know how to operate in all of our relationships.

But as they say…”How’s that working?”


Love Would…

Love would be loving because to do so is a choice.

Love would be loving regardless of circumstances.

Love would be loving because it is our true nature to love.

Because by the way, the love we show isn’t FOR them anyway…it’s FOR us. We love because it feels good to love. Love will always feel better than hate.

When we withhold love, we’re hurting ourselves.


More, Not Less…

When the body endures a cut or injury, the body will send more white blood cells to that area to help it in healing. That makes perfect sense. It needs more attention and more focus rather than less.

So where did we get this idea that withholding love will produce any kind of healing in our relationships?

The only thing ever missing from any situation is the love we’re withholding. Maybe we should try supplying more love, rather than less.




If You’re Struggling In Your Marriage…

I will help you find the clarity you need to re-commit to making your marriage work
or the strength and peace of mind to lovingly release it.