What love isn’t…

Sep 6, 2022

“I can say with great certainty
And absolute honesty
That I did not know
what love was
Until I knew
What Love was not.”
– P.T. Berkey

Sometimes in order to truly understand what something IS, we have to first understand what it is NOT. And since LOVE is one of the most used words on the planet (and also one of the most misunderstood), I thought we might begin there.

So many people believe that love is prioritizing other people’s needs, being generous and giving. Those things are lovely, but those actions are not love. For many people who over-give in their relationships, they use giving as a bartering system so that people will love them in return. That’s giving to get, or loving with an agenda, and that my friends, is not love.

Additionally, these same over-givers will consistently disregard their own needs and call it love. But how is disregarding and abandoning yourself love….or loving?

Many people believe love is when desire and passion are present, but love and desire are not the same thing. 

Think about it…everyone can name a person they love that they do not desire. And likewise, just because we desire someone doesn’t mean we love them. 

But we often get those two good-feeling emotions confused, don’t we?

And almost everyone believes that love (in the context of marriage) means you care about my needs and will meet them. Finally, someone who will meet my needs!

While someone that loves you very likely does care about your needs, they may not know what those needs are if you’ve not expressed them, and they may not want to be the single source through which all your needs get met. Because…they have an entire set of needs of their own.


  • Love isn’t over-giving (so that we will be loved in return).
  • Love isn’t synonymous with desire or passion (intensity is not the barometer we should use to measure love).
  • And love isn’t getting our needs met (although that may happen in the context of marriage).

Love is patient and kind…..yes.
But love is also resilient and durable.
It is abiding and tenacious.

I have seen Love weather intense storms between couples. 

And I have seen couples gently release their grip of one another when that’s the most loving thing to do.

While I don’t think the world has settled on one definition of the word Love, here’s one that I can get behind. It’s a quote from St. Augustine: “Love is allowing the other to be.”

Are you ready to learn a new way to love in order to create change in your life? If so, let’s explore if I can help.

What love isn’t





If You’re Struggling In Your Marriage…

I will help you find the clarity you need to re-commit to making your marriage work
or the strength and peace of mind to lovingly release it.