Divorce is a loss. It is a loss of a relationship, of course, but it is also a loss of a dream you once held. It may be a loss of an identity. You may lose friendships and you’ll certainly lose money. But one of the other surprising things you lose in divorce is your sense of real clarity in your life.
It’s like a fog has rolled in and you know the bridge is there connecting the life you had with the life you’re moving towards, but you can’t see it.
That’s why the most valuable wellness tool for dealing with the fog of divorce is clarity.
When you have clarity:
Your heart is clear. You don’t feel like a failure. You don’t feel like your years together were a waste of time and you’re able to see the lessons and gifts that resulted from being together.
Your emotions are clear. You’re in touch with your emotions and are neither running from them, nor allowing them to take the wheel in your life. They may not always feel good, but just being aware of your emotions makes you much less likely to have a high-drama divorce.
Your next step becomes clear. When you’re no longer stuck in the fog, it is easy to see the next step in front of you. And as long as you only focus on one step at a time and surround yourself with the right kind of support, you stay out of the worry, fear and overwhelm.
Here’s how you get the clarity you need to help you get through your divorce:
1. Own Your Part.
Just as it takes two to create the relationship, it takes two to destroy it as well. Sure, it’s easier to just blame our ex for the collapse of the marriage, but there’s no growth or opportunity there. When we’re willing to see our part in how the relationship got to this point, it brings back power and peace to your life.
2. Find the Lesson. Look for the Gift.
Just because a marriage failed doesn’t mean you’re a failure. Just because it didn’t last until death do us part, doesn’t mean it was a waste of time. Every relationship carries with it both lessons and gifts. You are not the same person you were when you entered into this relationship. There are things you now know about yourself that you didn’t know then. And there are very likely people (kids!), memories and experiences you had inside that relationship that you would not have had otherwise.
3. Stay in Your Lane.
Spend zero time trying to understand the behavior, motivation or intention behind his or her actions. None of that is your business and because you have zero control over any of it, it will never feel good. Remain focused only on what you can control – your own choices, actions and behaviors. That’s plenty to keep you occupied and it is the only place where you can truly feel powerful.
4. Invest in Support.
You don’t have to do this alone. You can’t really do it alone. You will need a lawyer to help you with the paperwork and negotiating the terms that you and your spouse cannot agree upon. But your lawyer is not there for your emotional well-being. And your friends and family love you, but they can only hear so much. It’s your responsibility to take care of yourself, your emotional well-being, and to get the clarity you need so that you can move forward in a meaningful way.
Most people navigate divorce in a fog, moving through their days like the walking wounded, filled with confusion and overwhelm, insecurity and doubt. But when you have real clarity in your life, it’s like the fog has lifted. Your heart is clear. Your emotions are clear. And each step on the path before you can be seen with, well… clarity.
As seen on WELLNESS.com