50 Ways We Leave Our Lovers

“They were involved in that awkward procedure of getting to unknow each other.” John Irving

Making the decision to leave a marriage doesn’t happen overnight and it’s never made lightly. It’s never a result of one thing, one argument or one issue. By the time someone decides to walk out the door, there have been years or even decades of slowly walking away from one another in small ways every day:

1. Make excuses to see friends, rather than spend time with your spouse
2. Intentionally drinking alcohol in order to make love
3. Stop dressing up for your partner or trying to impress, stop trying to look good for them
4. Making plans with friends that are couples to avoid being alone with your spouse
5. Sitting on opposite ends of the sofa or different chairs in the room when watching a movie
6. Falling asleep early in order to avoid intimacy
7. Placing marriage on auto-pilot, assuming it will take care of itself
8. Being mad, rather than concerned
9. Throwing ourselves into work or continuously working late
10. Sharing our hearts, feelings and / or fears with someone else
11. Allowing sex to feel like an obligation, rather than a way to connect
12. Saying “fine” or “whatever”
13. Flirting with someone else in order to feel desired or desirable
14. Wanting affection, but not giving affection (Actually wanting anything that you’re not willing to give to your partner yourself)
15. Looking for opportunities to tune out from the relationship or distract ourselves from the problems: sports, overdrinking, work, video games, Facebook, Netflix, etc.
16. Using the kids and their long list of needs as justification for why you can’t engage more with your spouse
17. Thinking / treating him or her like a business partner, rather than a lover
18. Acting as though you aren’t feeling well to avoid intimacy
19. Doing acts of service around the home, not because it’s how you show love, but so that he or she will stop nagging you
20. Stop buying small gifts or giving sweet notes and cards to your spouse
21. Spending time at places where people pay attention to you: the gym, the office, the bar, etc.
22. Hiding out in your room…while the rest of the family is downstairs
23. Not engaging with his / her extended family when the opportunity presents itself
24. Withholding loving words or actions because he hasn’t been loving in his words and actions
25. Overspending or making purchases when you become irritated or upset
26. Picking an argument or doing something simply because you know it will irritate him
27. When he asks what’s wrong, you say, “nothing.”
28. When she says “nothing’s wrong” (but you know something is), you stop trying and justify that decision in your mind.
29. Retaliation and justification: For example, not saying I love you because he hasn’t said it or flirting with someone because you saw him flirt with someone and that hurt you.
30. Intentionally not talking about and sharing something that’s bothering you
31. Being on your phone rather than being present with your spouse when together
32. Purposely not engaging in things that interest your spouse
33. Not compromising
34. Shutting down, not expressing how you feel and not telling your partner what you need
35. Being passive aggressive, rather than stating how you feel or expressing what you need
36. Avoiding the hard conversations
37. Needing him to change who he is and who he’s always shown himself to be
38. Complaining about your spouse to others outside your marriage
39. Keeping a mental scorecard
40. Holding a grudge
41. Withholding forgiveness.
42. Holding onto something that irritated you for weeks or months and waiting for an argument to bring it up
43. Needing to be right
44. Feeling embarrassed of our partners
45. Considering or thinking about being with someone else
46. Making yourself believe that you need to give up on sex in order to stay in this marriage
47. Pointing the finger at our spouse, without first looking at our own contribution to the situation
48. Not being willing to say, “I’m sorry”
49. Focusing on the things that aren’t working rather than focusing on what is working in the relationship
50. Stop showing affection

People leave their marriages long before they actually walk out the door. If you recognize some of these actions in your own marriage, you have the ability to make different choices now before the disconnection between you becomes unbearable, undeniable and the only answer feels like giving up.